BROOKINGS, S.D. – Leacey Brown never planned on writing someone else’s obituary.
When the South Dakota State University Extension Gerontology Field Specialist began attending Molly Barari’s obituary-writing workshops, it was in a strictly professional capacity.
“I just serve as technical support,” Brown said.
The workshop helps people learn to write their own obituaries, and Brown did draft her own by following the class’s prompts. But when Brown’s older brother, Larry, died in July 2023, she suddenly found herself using the skills she’d learned in a different way.
Her poignant obituary tells the story of Larry’s life with disabilities, his love of Mickey Mouse and his family’s sense of loss. It tells the truth in a gentle but unflinching way – something Brown said she learned from Barari’s instruction.
“That’s Molly,” Brown said. “Molly’s message is that the obituary should tell the story of who the person was. It should make you think of them, it should make you visualize them.”
Brown picked up those skills during the Heirlooms Creative Life Writing Workshops, taught by Barari. Barari teaches three workshops in the series: life story/memoir writing, obituary writing and ancestor/genealogical writing.
Brown and Barari, a South Dakota Humanities Scholar with advanced degrees in creative writing and adult education, started working together to host the workshops in 2021. While many participants are retirement-age adults, Barari said everyone over 18 is welcome.
The next obituary writing workshop is on April 9 from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. MT/ noon to 2 p.m. CDT online via Zoom. It is free to attend, but registration is required. To register, visit the SDSU Extension Events page and search “heirlooms”. The third and final workshop in the series, genealogy writing, is via Zoom on Oct. 10 at 5:30 p.m. MT/6:30 p.m. CST on Oct. 10, 2024. Registration opens Aug. 29.
Obituaries don’t have to be formal or distant, Barari said. In fact, she said showing a person’s authentic life, the good and the bad, helps others to connect with that person. In her classes, she often shares an obituary about a woman who died from her struggle with alcoholism. The woman’s family said they hoped that by sharing her story, they can help others find their way out of similar struggles.
“I think a lot of people tend to glamorize people who have passed and only talk about the positives,” Barari said. “We should talk about the positives, but also paint a realistic picture of someone’s life. And to show their humanity can be so powerful.”
By crafting their own obituaries, Brown and Barari said people have the chance to reflect on their own lives and accomplishments – including personality traits and quirks – and leave something behind for their loved ones. Obituaries also provide written records for future generations.
“It is a kindness to your family to write your own,” Brown said. “They don’t have to write it when they’re dealing with your death.”
Barari provides the basics needed to publish an obituary via a newspaper and what information to include. But she spends most of the workshop helping people sketch timelines, milestones and memories they might want to include.
“I think a lot of people aren’t aware that they can have a creative obituary,” Barari said. “They think it has to be very straightforward and factual, but it can be more creative and have more of a narrative. It can showcase your personality, not just your accomplishments.”
It’s one of the biggest takeaways of program participants, Brown said. In surveys evaluating the course, one person wrote “Obituaries do not have to be solemn or sad.” Another said, “Make the obituary personal.” Of the 25 participants who returned surveys, 13 said they plan to write their own obituary after the course.
For Brown, it was a way to grieve. She interviewed her mother to hear stories and learned things she hadn’t known about her older brother. Ultimately, it was Brown’s gift to her mother. Even though it was emotional, it was worth it.
“You’re going to cry. What helped me get through it was knowing that I could write an obituary that my mom would love,” Brown said. “I’m proud of that obituary. It was my own personal memorial to my brother.”
For more information, visit mollybarari.com or contact Leacey Brown, SDSU Extension Gerontology Field Specialist.
