Have you ever needed a little help but decided not to ask because you didn't want to bother someone? Maybe you needed to borrow a tool, wanted someone to keep an eye on your house while you were away, or could have used an extra set of hands with a project. It's easy to assume that asking someone for a favor is an inconvenience. But what if we're looking at it the wrong way?
Research suggests that asking for and exchanging favors may do more than make everyday life a little easier. It may also help build relationships, and relationships make people want to stay (more on that in my next article).
Questions to Consider
What do favors have to do with staying?
In a recent SDSU Extension survey of South Dakota newcomers, respondents were asked how frequently they exchanged favors with a neighbor.
The results showed a 38% jump in likelihood of staying among those who never exchanged favors versus those who frequently exchange favors with neighbors.
While the relationship isn't perfectly linear, the difference is notable. This led to more questions, and connecting some dots from the world of psychology helps explain this phenomenon.
Doesn’t asking for help make me seem needy? Probably not.
Psychologists have studied why people hesitate to ask others for help, and some of the findings are surprising. People tend to underestimate several social factors including: how likely others are to agree to help them, the likelihood of receiving assistance, and how positively others feel after being asked to help. Across a series of studies involving more than 2,100 participants, researchers found that people consistently overestimated how inconvenienced others would feel and underestimated how good helping would make them feel (Zhao & Epley, 2022). Consider this:
When we decide not to ask a neighbor for a favor because we don't want to bother them, are we denying that person an opportunity to experience the positive feelings that come from helping someone else?
Isn’t this the same as just being a nice person? Nope!
It turns out that asking for a favor may even change how someone feels about us. A 2016 article in The Journal of Social Psychology shared people who were asked to help someone later reported greater liking and feelings of closeness toward that person. What is even more interesting is simply helping someone without being directly asked did not produce the same effect (Niiya, 2016).
Will this make a person help me in return because they feel like they “owe” me? Unlikely.
Researchers have also explored why people are more likely to return a favor. While receiving help can create a sense of obligation, it can also strengthen positive feelings toward the person who helped. Interestingly, research found that it was these positive feelings, rather than a sense of indebtedness, that made people more willing to help in return. This suggests that the motivation to reciprocate may have less to do with feeling like we owe someone and more to do with building a positive relationship (Goei et al., 2003).
Being liked is great, but does it make people closer? It’s deeper than that.
Likeability isn’t the only feeling being developed, so is trust.
Imagine asking a neighbor who just moved in to do something for you. Whether it's picking up your mail, keeping an eye on your house, or giving you that proverbial cup of sugar, you're doing more than asking for help. You are trusting that person with something important to you.
Research has shown that depending on others and experiencing their helpfulness are associated with greater interpersonal trust. Similarly, research on friendship development highlights the role of vulnerability in building trust. Accepting help involves a small act of trust. You're depending on another person to follow through, giving them an opportunity to show that they can be counted on. When they do, those small everyday interactions can help build trust (Mayer et al., 1995; de Jong et al., 2007).
This creates an interesting cycle: asking for a favor communicates trust, while following through on that favor helps build it. For newcomers, these small exchanges may help turn an unfamiliar neighbor into someone they know they can count on, and just as importantly, someone who counts on them too.
Takeaway
Large or burdensome favors are not the goal, asking someone to watch your dog for a month, paint your garage, or do your taxes probably won’t have the desired social effect. Aim for favors that require little to no effort, especially at first.
For someone new to a community, knowing a neighbor well enough to ask for a favor can be a meaningful milestone. It suggests a relationship has developed beyond simply recognizing someone's face or waving when passing in the driveway.
Communities often look for ways to help newcomers get involved through events, clubs, volunteer opportunities, and organized activities. While these are all valuable, they create an opportunity to meet a group or entity, they don’t guarantee a meaningful social interaction. We can’t dismiss the value of smaller, everyday opportunities for individuals to build connections one-on-one.
Sharing garden produce, borrowing a ladder, picking up a package, or helping shovel a driveway may seem like ordinary neighborly gestures. However, these exchanges create opportunities for people to get to know one another, build trust, and feel useful and valued.
Maybe the next time you need a little help, don't be so quick to assume you're inconveniencing someone. You might be giving them an opportunity to feel good about helping, while building a relationship that makes your community feel a little more like home.
References
- de Jong, S. B., Van der Vegt, G. S., & Molleman, E. (2007). The relationships among asymmetry in task dependence, perceived helping behavior, and trust. Journal of Applied Psychology, 92(6), 1625–1637.
- Flynn, F. J., & Lake, V. K. B. (2008). If you need help, just ask: Underestimating compliance with direct requests for help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1), 128–143.
- Goei, R., Lindsey, L. L. M., Boster, F. J., Skalski, P. D., & Bowman, J. M. (2003). The mediating roles of liking and obligation on the relationship between favors and compliance. Communication Research, 30(2), 178–197.
- Mayer, R. C., Davis, J. H., & Schoorman, F. D. (1995). An integrative model of organizational trust. Academy of Management Review, 20(3), 709–734.
- Niiya, Y. (2016). Does a favor request increase liking toward the requester?. The Journal of Social Psychology, 156(2), 211–221.
- Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2022). Surprisingly happy to have helped: Underestimating prosociality creates a misplaced barrier to asking for help. Psychological Science, 33(10), 1708–1731.
